tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33908953410403383022024-03-12T18:11:41.976-07:00RamblingsRamblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.comBlogger352125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-53715419411908313082019-08-12T00:02:00.003-07:002019-08-12T00:02:52.257-07:00To become air (This is for my friends and hospice teammates, as we grieve for our patients.)<br />
<br />
Each day is a kiss<br />
with no response,<br />
but I know, it's a kiss.<br />
Like the kisses you’ve sown<br />
into the walls, the windowsills<br />
for forty one years,<br />
the way our children crackled laughter<br />
when they were children.<br />
<br />
Each day I give myself a task.<br />
I count how many kisses given<br />
And how many received.<br />
I say, “Sweetheart, how many kisses will you give me today?”<br />
And in your silence, I write down<br />
a thousand.<br />
<br />
A thousand kisses to give me time.<br />
to catch your last breath into my body<br />
I will keep you<br />
as I too, wait<br />
to become air*.<br />
<br />
(*When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi)Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-51974707595240919352019-04-09T08:52:00.000-07:002019-05-03T23:26:32.137-07:003am cravings<span id="docs-internal-guid-fbe1395c-7fff-7ae8-350a-53855f7ebef4"></span><br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Chased out of sleep by restless dreams<br />
(I'm staring at a gaping wound pulsating on my head),<br />
I wake up hungry, impatient.<br />
I rummage through the refrigerator looking for some ready-made food, </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
a left over pizza slice from Costco. Unsatisfied, I begin making dinner. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
I think about going back to bed.<br />
I think about reaching over<br />
your side of the bed,<br />
pull myself close.<br />
Out of habit, I kiss your back and<br />
sleepily<br />
leave my lips there.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-top: 6px;">
The children will wake soon,<br />
but there's still plenty of time<br />
to cut the vegetables, soak the noodles, roast the onion and ginger,<br />
start the broth. Even time<br />
to brush my teeth again and read a poem.</div>
<div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-top: 6px;">
(Sept 20, 2017. For B.)</div>
</div>
Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-14916365265471379592019-03-04T02:02:00.002-08:002019-03-04T02:03:05.145-08:00It is doneIt is done.<br />
This life is done.<br />
You don’t need to worry anymore,<br />
though she is your life.<br />
I know.<br />
With her you’d tasted homemade apple pie<br />
and fresh okra from the garden.<br />
With her too, you saw sunflowers hung<br />
heavy with seeds,<br />
firm yellow petals radiant even at dusk,<br />
how you imagined love<br />
to be.<br />
<br />
I know.<br />
With her you’d found your burial ground,<br />
finally stopped searching for your birthplace,<br />
laid down your loneliness,<br />
like a child waiting for<br />
his mother’s return<br />
for so long no one came except night<br />
wailing<br />
long and deep.<br />
<br />
I know.<br />
<br />
I know you worry,<br />
but she will be fine.<br />
She will find a way to change the light bulb. She will pay the bills on time.<br />
She will know what to do with your books.<br />
She will get help cleaning the house.<br />
She will make it to the doctor’s office.<br />
She will go to sleep and wake up on your side of the bed. She will sometimes<br />
forget what day it is, but she will remember that she has a hair appointment.<br />
She will laugh and tell stories about you, her witty, charming Abe.<br />
She will grieve heavily,<br />
and she will be beautiful,<br />
because you are beautiful—<br />
you and her,<br />
this life,<br />
apart and together,<br />
in love and death,<br />
are beautiful.<br />
<br />
(In memory of Mr B.)<br />
10/1/18Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-55606451184063165132018-11-01T10:39:00.003-07:002018-12-05T19:09:20.869-08:00I bless the world<br />
I bless the world.<br />
I bless it<br />
with stories of devotion on your body<br />
and sing my hymns in your sleep.<br />
<br />
Last night, I blessed the rolling hills,<br />
carpets of violets and dandelions bloom<br />
a cushion for tired feet,<br />
your spine a river<br />
to quench their thirst.<br />
<br />
The night before I blessed it planting,<br />
my fingers dug down to raise earth<br />
on your back.<br />
There I planted fruit trees.<br />
In the valleys, low growing berries.<br />
Up the hills, I planted vegetables.<br />
These are the daily bread.<br />
<br />
When love happens and pain<br />
makes you weep,<br />
I collect these blessed liquids to make wine.<br />
In it, I bless the world and you.<br />
Because this earth is my faith,<br />
love is my church,<br />
and I am the priest.Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-6513186513370208812018-11-01T10:29:00.002-07:002018-11-01T10:39:56.169-07:00there is plenty<br />
<br />
There is nothing to hate about us, you say.<br />
I say there is plenty.<br />
<br />
The hurt I feel is hateful.<br />
The love I lost.<br />
The daydreams that remain<br />
daydreams.<br />
The parts of my body scattered <br />
in your apartment that I want back--<br />
my hair, my sweat, my skin, my words, my stories, my voice, <br />
my cooking, my jokes, my pleading, my yes, my no,<br />
everything,<br />
even the things I cannot recall<br />
but my body does.<br />
I want them all back.<br />
But they won't come back.<br />
And I hate that.<br />
<br />
<br />
10/22/17Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-22326026489384504982017-10-22T01:06:00.002-07:002018-11-01T10:25:41.854-07:00Counting grief <div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<div style="line-height: normal;">
Counting grief<br />
<br />
Tonight I went to the neighborhood bar<br />
to begin a ritual<br />
every time<br />
my heart breaks.<br />
It's been a while since I've been here.<br />
<br />
I asked for 2 shots of tequila-<br />
1 to celebrate love<br />
1 to end it.<br />
<br />
I ended up doing 6-<br />
1 to celebrate love<br />
1 to end it;<br />
1 to remember the hard lives lived,<br />
or survived,<br />
1 to mourn their end;<br />
1 to hate myself,<br />
1 to love me.<br />
All to grieve<br />
and remind myself that this<br />
is life-<br />
it will go on,<br />
as will I.<br />
<br />
<br />
10/11/17</div>
</div>
Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-83757027806729513712017-09-21T12:01:00.000-07:002018-11-01T10:26:16.270-07:00afternoon nostalgia<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
#21</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Is the dogwood tree in the backyard blooming </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Like I imagine it would? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Is the bougainvillea vine </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">carpeting the front yard with valiant </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">dead </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">red </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">blossoms? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">In my memory, they are fierce. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-79289597205163459412017-08-27T19:44:00.001-07:002017-09-04T11:37:32.996-07:00I love you is a 3-syllables-long time loop Still towards the end of March<br />
<br />
<br />
I imagine it must be hard<br />
to be you<br />
when there is me<br />
incessant and dogged<br />
in my love.<br />
I am sorry. There is nothing<br />
I can do.<br />
<br />
<br />
Perhaps I should not call it love.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><br />
But I tell you this:<br />
I love you is a 3-syllables-long time loop.<br />
For 3-syllables worth of time,<br />
I wait.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-9255739746905163762017-08-27T19:26:00.002-07:002017-09-04T11:39:06.952-07:00Towards the end of MarchDate: in the middle of March<br />
<br />
<br />
Plan: <br />
each day I will gather<br />
something beautiful for you. <br />
<br /><br />
Because:<br />
between words there is distance. <br />
It teaches me patience. <br />
You teach me the difference. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><br />
Date: towards the end of March<br />
To remember, I drink and dance<br />
naked by an open window--I want <br />
to display myself to the world. <br />
And why not? <br />
Am I not beautiful? <br />
You've told me so.<br />
<br />Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-58206714614502430302017-07-16T11:14:00.002-07:002017-07-16T11:15:49.139-07:00we are lucky<br />
you and I are lucky.<br />
we are stubborn enough<br />
to insist that on any overcast sunday we make noise together, <br />
watch the earth swell in the rain,<br />
and marvel at rainbows without ends.<br />
<br />
<br />
we insist on holding each other tightly,<br />
and cry<br />
for loves that have gone before <br />
and loves petrifying before us,<br />
<br />
<br />
afraid of hurting because we forget<br />
we have survived pain.<br />
<br />
<br />
and yet we still<br />
insist on hanging on <br />
to life despite<br />
being not very good at it-<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
we are very lucky, actually.<br />
<br />
<br />
our stubborn credulity<br />
will save us.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-3014981918045055352017-05-02T23:21:00.001-07:002017-05-02T23:22:00.503-07:00First questions <div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">To be ready </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">to love you</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">there are questions we first </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">must answer. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">For example:</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">If one of us is sleepless--like I am now--</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Would the other lie down too </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and tell stories, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">count</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">the number of sighs between breaths--</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">like the poet and his wife.* </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Will we say, "I'm right here"</span></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">when the other asks in uneasy </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">slumber, "Will you stay."</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">*Li-Young Lee</span></div>
Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-84958002637936564552017-05-02T23:15:00.002-07:002017-05-04T20:03:05.357-07:00Sad questions#18<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">How many days has it been </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Since you last wrote a poem? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Only a day? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Such a long day it was. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">You were busy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">displacing water with your body</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">to measure the weight of silence </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">across time. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">It was difficult. With each wave</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">the body moves </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">and gravity disperses,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">water spills and you had to do it again, </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">like a sad question </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">repeating itself. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">For example: </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">If you miss someone </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">long enough </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">hard enough,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">would they know? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Could they feel it</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">sitting heavy on their heart,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">refusing what is told</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"> it must accept</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">except you </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">don't matter. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Could they know? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">But then, why would you need them to know? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">They did not know when autumn came to these parts and leaves burned bright for days without you seeing. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">They did not know how much</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">you wanted to break the face of serenity walking around that lake </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">stepping on grass you love,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">stepping on paths you want </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">to lay down on,</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">stepping on stones you want </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">in your pockets. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">You wanted to break the smiles that must have happened.</span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">The hands that must have pretended to need warmth. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Tear the hair that must have turned gold in the sunset. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Your sunset. </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal; min-height: 20.3px;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span><br /></div>
<br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Did they know? </span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: '.SF UI Text'; font-size: 17px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">4.22.17</span></div>
Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-56518727745291661542017-03-22T08:58:00.003-07:002019-05-03T23:28:59.406-07:00Advance Directive is romantic(#17)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The next time we meet, it will be at my funeral.<br />
You should not be sad. <br />
Say no eulogy.<br />
I will have lived fully by then. <br />
I will have loved generously.<br />
I will have been fearless and kind.<br />
I will have laughed unashamed and naked in the sun<br />
and cried with the loneliest.<br />
I will have fixed some broken things,<br />
fed and sheltered, sowed and re-sowed, created and colored, <br />
wrote some poems, and many times wandered<br />
through rain soaked streets and forests <br />
bursting green.<br />
I will have been satisfied.<br />
<br />
Don't even talk about the past. You will not know<br />
anyone there. <br />
Walk by my body silently, look at me.<br />
Look at my hands and remember<br />
how they touched your face,<br />
caressed your body, held your head.<br />
Look at my painted face and imagine <br />
petals on my lips.<br />
Remember the way I loved and let your heart swell <br />
knowing you have partaken in it. <br />
Drive with the others to the cemetery. <br />
Throw bougainvillea down my grave. <br />
Make sure flowers cover me <br />
before the first fistful of dirt. <br />
<br />
When all is gone, you stay. <br />
By my grave, tell me slowly<br />
stories of how you've loved<br />
since I left. <br />
And when the gravedigger comes back with his shovel,<br />
you can go. Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-81418629796370723952017-03-06T19:10:00.001-08:002017-04-14T17:08:49.470-07:00Songs in transit<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Songs in transit: coming</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">3.4.17</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am coming back</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">to that place on the hill</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">far from the city where my lovers lie,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">where I planted pieces of myself, like a garden bed</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">it has since grown</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">a different bush.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Songs in transit: en route to Oakland</b></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In this circus country, truths</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">are whatever magic tricks you conjure</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and language </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">is made </span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">to jump hoops and juggle</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">balls.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">You and I do not belong here.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We prefer magic without tricks.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Songs in transit: Reading 100 Love Sonnets on the plane</b></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>“Love, what a long way, to arrive at a kiss,</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>What loneliness-in-motion, toward your company.”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is the second love sonnet of a hundred</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Pablo Neruda wrote for his third wife. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">He wrote from another country, another time,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">but today,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">across grasslands and north to the Rockies, he speaks</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">as if to say he hears me, and knows</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">where I am going</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">what I seek.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Even if I do not know them, there have always
been </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">fools like me--</span><br />
we love with willful stubbornness <br />
because we are its progeny. <br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<b>Songs in transit: this is a different body</b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So I come back to you--</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">not to the place where love happened and is gone,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">where now another woman goes--no</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I come back to you </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">anew,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">a different body, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">through a different door,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">a different bed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">In this new place, <span style="font-family: inherit;">words stay.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Touch imprints. Movements happen without noise.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Bound and shelved </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">above our heads, pleasure </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">is broken down to its simplest sounds, slick and wet </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">like waves.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I come back to you thicker. Nimbler.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My tongue quicker, I move slow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Time has made me a generous lover.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">For this you are both glad </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and afraid.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<b>Songs in transit: panic</b></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
3.5.17</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> <span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>“There are many ways to carry the past with us.” </i></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This I read at the bookstore </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">to stop the panic rising.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Songs in transit: leaving</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">3.6.17</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I leave the key on the desk and close the door, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It is not night time, but darkness lingers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Inside someone’s kitchen, a light is turned on. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Perhaps an exchange of a sleepy morning kiss.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Over on the next block, Bica's coffee is opening for
customers</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">shuffling to get somewhere</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">then later, to come back home.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I pull my luggage past them in the rain. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I would have gladly sat down on one of those chairs </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and never get up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I have to catch the train</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">back to the city where I was born </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and every day </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">is dying.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">At the Rockridge station I get on the 6:25AM train to the
airport.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It is crowded. No one talks.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We are too sleepy, too sad,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">we don’t want to disrupt this kinetic energy </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">lulling and moving our weights forward.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The train hums louder as it dives</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">into the dark underground beneath the waters of the bay,</span><br />
the way my mother sang to us <br />
when we were young and afraid of the dark--<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I closed my eyes and traveled with the train </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">back to my mother's womb--</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">wet and sleepy and content.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I have to exit soon, and the train knows.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It cradles me for as long as it can, before I am expunged,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">forced to look at
daylight again—</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">this is life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And love is no exception. </span><br />
<br />
<b>Songs in transit: when there is no return </b><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Where love is born, it can also die—</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">this is the process. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know.</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Because love is a constant</span><br />
object in motion, it leaves<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">in order to come back;</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">without return, it is lost.</span><br />
The hills of Oakland know this.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If each time we love</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">a little shorter,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">a little less kind,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">give less of ourselves,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">touch not frequently,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">look not too long </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and don’t whisper with new awe each morning we get to
wake together—</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">it won't come back. </span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<b>Songs in transit: I arrived but not yet home</b></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Last night I heard the hills cry.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They felt love wander and feared it lost.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">They swelled with sadness, soaked the
streets.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This morning they refused to wake,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Leaving rain to say goodbye.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rain walked me to the train.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rain stroked my hair.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Rain wrapped its gusty arms to hug me;</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">breathed in its Patagonia mountain air,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">filled my lungs with abundant space--</span><br />
keep my feet light.<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I took it with me on the plane. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It sat next to me on the bus.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It unlocked the door and walked inside.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It saw me undress and covered me as I lie
down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then it left me there,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">in the city where I was born</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and every day</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">is dying. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br />
<br /></div>
Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-53794935735885679112017-02-03T21:00:00.001-08:002017-06-12T20:54:33.531-07:00Memory on my iphone <i>(R. minus many months.)</i><br />
<br />
<br />
My iphone memory is a time warp.<br />
For example, it keeps remembering your name<br />
even though I have deleted you<br />
a thousand times, <br />
as if it knows<br />
there is only one thing I can remember<br />
to forget<br />
repeatedly.<br />
<br />
So I will need to delete again tomorrow<br />
the balcony, my lips, your lips,<br />
Oakland's sunset burning<br />
centimeters from your fingertips.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2.3.17Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-80708227611710118472017-02-03T20:17:00.005-08:002017-04-14T17:09:51.748-07:00Teach me how to not despair<div data-contents="true">
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="1ske8-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="1ske8-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="1ske8-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(for my children. for r and his.)</i></span></span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="1ske8-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="1ske8-0-0"><span data-text="true"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="1ske8-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="1ske8-0-0"><span data-text="true">Teach me how to not despair. </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="boqbb-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="boqbb-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="boqbb-0-0"><span data-text="true">Remind me again </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="ch6r-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="ch6r-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="ch6r-0-0"><span data-text="true">that life is a series of mathematical </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="5gfgs-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5gfgs-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="5gfgs-0-0"><span data-text="true">errors</span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="qsua-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="qsua-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="qsua-0-0"><span data-text="true"> and all I have to do is find y. </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="bip40-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="bip40-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="bip40-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="hnqj-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="hnqj-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="hnqj-0-0"><span data-text="true">I already have paper and pen. </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="fhokt-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fhokt-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="fhokt-0-0"><span data-text="true">I can </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="44te6-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="44te6-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="44te6-0-0"><span data-text="true">turn numbers into stories </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="c59v-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c59v-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="c59v-0-0"><span data-text="true">stories into actions</span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="anedo-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="anedo-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="anedo-0-0"><span data-text="true">actions into hope</span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="42bvn-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="42bvn-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="42bvn-0-0"><span data-text="true">hope to love</span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="dks25-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="dks25-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="dks25-0-0"><span data-text="true">and live </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="7jarv-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7jarv-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="7jarv-0-0"><span data-text="true">kindly. </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="emo8t-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="emo8t-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="emo8t-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="c2g7g-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c2g7g-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="c2g7g-0-0"><span data-text="true">Sit with me, </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="8r42q-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8r42q-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8r42q-0-0"><span data-text="true">in the high noon glare,</span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="5sena-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5sena-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="5sena-0-0"><span data-text="true">our bodies warm from sun heated rocks </span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5sena-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="5sena-0-0"><span data-text="true">beneath, watch me unravel the mystery of an equation, </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="8be1-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8be1-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8be1-0-0"><span data-text="true">with child-sized amazement duplicating, </span></span></div>
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8be1-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="8be1-0-0"><span data-text="true">quadruplicating, octuplicating, doubling</span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="46mdq-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="46mdq-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="46mdq-0-0"><span data-text="true">ceaselessly </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="5hqat-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5hqat-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="5hqat-0-0"><span data-text="true">into the distances of my imagination. </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="a2hnb-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a2hnb-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="a2hnb-0-0"><br data-text="true" /></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="89rbl-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="89rbl-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="89rbl-0-0"><span data-text="true">And when I cannot find my way,</span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="fk1d3-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fk1d3-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="fk1d3-0-0"><span data-text="true">teach me to trust </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="e8v2p-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="e8v2p-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="e8v2p-0-0"><span data-text="true">that inside each problem </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="a6fs7-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a6fs7-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="a6fs7-0-0"><span data-text="true">already is the answer </span></span></div>
</div>
<div data-block="true" data-editor="9mcnn" data-offset-key="fe9gb-0-0">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fe9gb-0-0">
<span data-offset-key="fe9gb-0-0"><span data-text="true">I seek.</span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike><br /></strike></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
2/3/17</div>
<br />Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-48946170417086151792016-11-29T21:37:00.000-08:002017-03-23T20:40:38.134-07:00Last Sunday I went to a funeral Last Sunday I went to a funeral.<br />
Q had died in her chair,<br />
looking out her window.<br />
Father Keith gave the eulogy.<br />
He said, "I knew her for many years. She loved to sit<br />
by that window, waiting<br />
for the day to pass.<br />
He paused, then said, "It is with amazing grace<br />
that we may last the length of days.<br />
For this we should give thanks."<br />
<br />
Does he know<br />
the insufferable ways in which days<br />
go on and on? <br />
<br />
I will give no thanks<br />
to the length of days<br />
I endured.<br />
<br />
I will lay face down<br />
deep in dirt and weep<br />
for the 13 Sundays that have passed<br />
without me.<br />
<br />
<i>There is a woman waiting.</i><br />
<i>There is a woman wanting.</i><br />
<i>She died with that waiting</i>.<br />
<br />Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-48941139861290862892016-11-29T21:19:00.001-08:002017-02-03T22:00:36.666-08:00if you must be silent Love, do not call to me.<br />
Do not say to me the feelings that vex your heart at night<br />
when you miss me most<br />
half asleep and half drunk,<br />
only when light breaks make silence your armor,<br />
and sentiments harden like laid bricks baked in the sun. <br />
<br />
If you must be silent, be silent<br />
all the days.<br />
Be more silent than night.<br />
More than a muted cry.<br />
Aimless wandering.<br />
Hurt gone numb.<br />
<br />
Love, if you must<br />
be silent.<br />
<br />
<br />Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-38155721483068707462016-11-07T13:17:00.001-08:002016-11-29T23:04:53.759-08:00I imagine telling you"The house was quiet and the world was calm." <br />
The poem reads.<br />
I read and think, it is.<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
Tonight I wear your bangles to bed.<br />
I wanted to glue them on the wall, make roses or bubbles <br />
and watch them float but instead <br />
I put them on and stretch my arms, feel lightness in their soft tinkling, as if<br />
sounds can conjure up love as it<br />
fills up the space next to me.<br />
I imagine you<br />
tied my hands to your hands,<br />
like the book I'd torn apart<br />
then bound the pages again,<br />
and put them all in a box<br />
hurting.<br />
<br />
I imagine telling you about Luis Rivera.<br />
I imagine saying, I went on a date with Luis Rivera, <br />
we hung out in his apartment, ate tacos, and listened to death metal music. <br />
<br />
I imagine telling you, days later, I went on another date with Luis Rivera. This time we drank <br />
shots of tequila, I stuff my hands inside his back pockets while he slid his hands up my legs. <br />
His hands were soft.<br />
<br />
I imagine telling you, weeks later, that for such soft hands Luis Rivera could really play the guitar.<br />
<br />
I imagine telling you, months later, that we went on walks through the woods, it's fall here <br />
and the trees are <br />
tremoring.<br />
We sat in coffee shops on Sunday mornings. <br />
I showed him how to roll his undershirts to save space <br />
while he told me about his anxieties and the medications he's tried,<br />
their side effects, why it takes him so long to cum, and his worries <br />
about being fat. <br />
<br />
I imagine telling you, I have not heard him sing until now. He's good. <br />
I imagine telling you, Luis Rivera is good. <br />
And if I am lucky, I imagine I would also tell you, <br />
I have learned to love Luis Rivera.<br />
<br />
I imagine telling Luis Rivera about you. <br />
I imagine saying, I left him my heart--he doesn't want it <br />
because he doesn't know what to do with it. I left it there for him <br />
on the hills of Oakland, <br />
under the brush of an unmarked bush.<br />
I haven't been back to get it.<br />
<br />
I haven't imagined what Luis Rivera would say.Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-18215404729614156182016-10-02T15:46:00.002-07:002016-11-29T23:07:06.898-08:00Listen, remember Listen, remember that night<br />
we didn't fuck because<br />
goodbye was too sad and we didn't know<br />
how to fuck sadly. Instead<br />
we sang lullabies off key<br />
and giggled.<br />
<br />
It was stupid.<br />
<br />
10.2.16<br />
<br />Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-23878378839368379632016-10-02T15:41:00.001-07:002017-03-23T21:10:30.396-07:00Not for you<br />
I miss you--<br />
this is not for you to read.<br />
Neither is I love you.<br />
These words are for me<br />
and the morning,<br />
to whisper in my bed <br />
where I refuse<br />
to get up,<br />
but the sun keeps on<br />
sending heat up my legs<br />
my belly<br />
my breasts--<br />
I feel it breathing<br />
across my collar bones- <br />
I open my eyes to scold the light.<br />
I wont acquiesce.<br />
I will not<br />
let quiet bully me.<br />
I miss you, I repeat,<br />
not for you to read<br />
but for me to whisper with morning<br />
in my bed.<br />
<br />
<br />
10.2.16Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-89227256046464164852016-08-08T23:34:00.000-07:002016-12-23T07:39:12.842-08:00Goodbye 3 Love letter to the bougainvillea vine8.9.16<br />
R.<br />
<br />
<br />
In April I first saw you,<br />
you've just begun to bloom<br />
red blossoms.<br />
I fell in love with that early Oakland morning<br />
between the green doors and white garden gate<br />
you waited, as if you have always been waiting<br />
for me. My excitement grew<br />
with you against the wall,<br />
it began to take up space.<br />
I pulled petals from the vine,<br />
kept them hidden in my books,<br />
pieces of you everywhere-<br />
life is beautiful and gracious<br />
again.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
And now I am gone.<br />
I won't be back.<br />
I won't caress you<br />
in front of those green doors<br />
behind that white garden gate.<br />
I won't kiss your fiery flowers<br />
or taken breathless under your tendril grip,<br />
stand for hours as you climb with the Oakland sun<br />
stroking my back.<br />
I am gone.<br />
I did not say goodbye.<br />
I'm sorry, beautiful tensile bougainvillea vine.Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-64297384293637554412016-08-08T19:49:00.000-07:002016-11-07T13:19:09.247-08:00Goodbye 2 sadness is a sedative 8.7.16<br />
<br />
R,<br />
Sadness is a sedative,<br />
like the hot afternoon sun of your somnolent childhood-<br />
remember that languorous lullaby?<br />
a sleep aid<br />
for those restless thoughts that won't lie down,<br />
it will help you sleep,<br />
no need to answer<br />
no need to speak<br />
no need to open<br />
no need to close<br />
no need of words<br />
no need for touch<br />
even your own<br />
just stuporous slumber<br />
until it's done.<br />
Doesn't that sound nice<br />
then emptiness will cease to be<br />
a word,<br />
you, and, or, I.Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-13408244615563919122016-08-08T18:50:00.001-07:002016-11-07T13:19:27.600-08:00Goodbye 18.7.16<br />
<br />
R,<br />
<br />
When I don't have us to protect me<br />
from myself<br />
When you have taken your arms away<br />
I feel on my chest the weight<br />
of your absence<br />
This is grief.Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3390895341040338302.post-18854294434909879102016-06-13T11:59:00.002-07:002017-06-12T21:01:50.172-07:00I put myself<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><span style="font-size: x-small;">-for R.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br />
</span><br />
<div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I put myself there with you,</span></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">
</span><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">between pauses </span><span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">on still surface, </span></span><br />
<div>
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">where sky and water hold each other.</span></span></div>
<span class="im">
</span>
<br />
<div>
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span></span></div>
<span class="im">
</span>
<br />
<div>
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I put myself there in the mornings</span></span><br />
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">on that bed where you lie,</span></span><br />
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">where I pressed our bodies close</span></span></div>
<div>
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">until we couldn't tell which is sky and which is water.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">You kissed me and looked outside--</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">morning seems pale, you said, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">as if it hadn't seen much sleep. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Lucky morning, I said.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"></span><span class="im"><br /><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I want to smell the sweet late night whiskey on your breath, </span></span><br />
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">taste </span></span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">your face, </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">like the sun rising </span><span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">from between my legs,</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">your nose and lips wet in the glistening of my dew.</span><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span><br />
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I put myself in that house, naked </span></span><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">by the door-windows,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">their parted curtains </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">open </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">to a carpet of bruised camellias. </span><span class="im"><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I put myself on that balcony reaching towards the dogwood tree. </span></span><br />
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">In the spring it will bloom </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">pink curvy blossoms </span><br /><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">for us to kiss. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I put myself by that garden gate,</span></span><br />
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">on that </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">stone path to that bougainvillea vine. </span></span><span class="im"><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I want to fuck by that bougainvillea vine.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">So I put myself on a bed of translucent petals,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">crawling to gather them in, because I love them,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">and you, in all my naked beauty, could not resist.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I won't let you resist.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I put myself with your body-</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">your eyes, your lips, your fingers-</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">m</span><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">y body </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">in your body- </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">my eyes in your eyes my lips on your lips my fingers </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">where your fingers have been my mouth my face my pussy your cock - </span><br />
<span class="im"><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">I put myself in that emptiness without you, </span></span><span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">my darling.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);"><span style="font-size: x-small;">-6.13.16</span></span></div>
Ramblinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12862427867697907983noreply@blogger.com0