i should be cleaning. doing something really serious.
but instead i'm sitting here grinning
from ear to ear, for no good reason.
i'm not even happy.
or feel like grinning. but i'm grinning anyway, because there doesn't seem to be anything else more fitting. or necessary.
on our date i had half a hot dog.
a half bodied hug, but it felt complete and left me satisfied. there are things that need to be done, aren't there? there are always things that need to be done. and i am always not doing them. things that would help make me a better mother. a better person. a better daughter. lots of things that i could be doing to be better. but i am always not doing them. i don't know why i am not doing them. i want to. i plan to. but somehow they never happen. but i am beginning to notice that i am not unique. this is not something that only happens to me, (or i happen to it.). i've been going to group (so that's what all this is leading to, going to group). it's stupid, really. it's like a feel good session for yourself except you don't feel very good afterwards and it's not really for yourself and it's not just yourself. i go to group and i sit and listen to people tell each other bits and pieces of their problems, and then i tell mine, and afterwards i am not sure if the stories i tell are my own or theirs. i always walk home with the unshakable suspicion that i've just co-opted their stories, took little parts here and there and put them into one big fabrication and called it mine. i do so as the story progresses, of course, as their stories progress, so does mine.
who am i sitting next to now? i don't even know. i don't dare even look up to find out. cautionary tale: do not look up to see who is sitting next to you. don't do it. for no reason other than fear. it's a trap. i fear everything, because everything is a trap. no, it should be like this: i fear that everything is a trap. i am continually scared into inaction.
i would go now. it's getting late. not really late late, but it's getting late, and i should go. i should get up, go home. i should.